and then life showed back up

and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  As your governor used to say “I’ll be back”!

today’s musings 10/01/09

It’s 8:30 tonight and I’m sitting up looking at a documentary about Yellowstone park.  Imma geek like that…..i like to look at the history channel, kqed, and learn a lil somethin somethin.  This has been an interesting evening.  I went earlier and looked at a loft shared space.  I’m in the midst of home hunting and surprisingly I’m rather animated about the process.  There’s a lot of housing available and well within my budget.  So for the past week I’ve been going in and out of people’s houses and trying to see if the energy feels good and if I can see myself there.

Tonight I went and looked at a huge loft over by San Leandro Blvd.  Very large, eclectic and cool space.  Energy very cool too.  I hung with the peoples and drank a beer and we talked about everything from video games to politics.  Even a six month old baby in the house.  Even if I don’t get the space I’ve had a ball this past week.  I’ve met some very interesting, weird, funny and cool people.

I’m doin me….. 9/30/09

I haven’t been here in forever.  I’ve been living life and all of it’s glorious high’s and debilitating lows.  I’ve been working as a temporary employee since February with full-time hours as of a month ago.  I’m back in the work grind and grateful for a regular paycheck.  And here I stand as always…..still here, still T. doing T.  I accept all consequences whether they be good or not so good, because being me is whut’s up for me.

After years of addiction and homelessness and relationships where I was what she wanted…..it’s a real sign of growth to do T.  Tonight I am quiet and peaceful.  Autumn is coming.  I am searching for a cave to slumber, rest and rejuvenate. I’ve started to look for my shared housing space.  I want a large room, nice roomies, peace in my space, a tub and some folks that are gonna love my bud.  I’ll be happy and content with that.

Thanks for coming to my page.  I think I’ll start coming back here more often. 

musings…. 8/20/09

titty’s and ass everywhere.  industrious women fill the room working hard.  butt ass nekid they sit in front of the table with their lil baggies, scales and spoons.  They at the dope house.  how much death weigh mama?  Is it one or two spoonfuls?  a eighth, ounce, kilo?  Shit where I come from you can smoke, shoot, snort, eat and drink death.  it ain’t personal it’s business.  dang.

cash 4?

cash for clunkers. cash for houses. we will buy you! whut? everything is for sale? dang. Canna buy sum love? How much of a rebate can I get on some love? Like 1400.00 dollas every time it don’t work! How much out the door?  Betcha if we got 10,000 every year it did work more couples would last.  ahahahahaha

good day 8/19/09

I feel like Ice Cube.  Today was a good day.  I woke up feeling blessed and consequently I am blessed.  I rode my bike today for the first time ever.  This particular bike was given to me by my first wife and it needed a doctor when it arrived.  I’ve carted it around with me from place to place and here and there took it to the bike doctor and got something else fixed on it.

Today I hopped on my bike and rode all around the trails at Lake Chabot.  Something like a 14 mile ride, serious trails.  I chilled and had a picnic, smoked a bit and just rode.  Absolutely stunning ride.  My silly butt had so much fun riding I didn’t even take any pictures…..means I gotta go back!

It’s ending with some yummy snacks and movies.  Yup …. today was a good day.

8/18/09

The hardest part of starting a new blog is the starting.  That said I have so much on my mind right now I don’t even know where to start.   I’m in therapy, a process I started several months ago and have continued.  More than ever I’m coming to understand one thing.

Even when I am making positive change for myself I can also receive not so positive responses or consequences.  That truly when I change I create change.  And change is just different.  It’s funny cuz I had an idea of what the change would look like……and I haven’t been anywhere close to the reality of how it’s all played out.

I spend alot of time by myself, thinking, playing, writing, driving and sitting still.

And then there’s the bouts of rage.  Complete rage that I even have to go through this/like this,  at my age and my stage of my development.  That every step of the way the path has been made more difficult seemly on purpose.

That’s the way the cookie crumbles I suppose…..ain’t shit in my life ever been easy….no particular reason why it should in this instance either.

I’m making new agreements with TW.  New bottom lines I won’t cross.  New dreams to reach for and some old ones that are starting to come true.  It is what it is…… and over all it’s gettin better so I’ll just buckle in for the ride.  After all it’s my life…..I can’t/won’t miss it!

last night musings 8/18/09

My folks was Jehovah’s Witnesses

lots of rules little hugs and kisses

ran to the streets as a child

ignorant of the freaks and tweaks and predators that smile

back in dem days niggas went to jail for scripts

2009 we still on a hunt for paper and chips

fell in love with my first gurl and experienced her taking my heart for her world

I’ve had im quiet loud and pushy but it’s ok im still about chasing da pussy

30 years later lessons and lists compiled no longer letting my emotions be beguiled

im standing strong

running underneath ya like the vietcong, all up in yo ass with my words like ya thong

I assure you I am a good nigga

but im still trying to figure

why my love ain’t cool follow yo rule or be dissected like we in medical school

ain’t made of the right stuff

you wanna play rough?

i quit im just a creampuff

love light and joy is what I employ

i sit with the beat and smoke take a toke

prescribe a chill pill  learn how not to be fofake but farreal

I’m a junkie and music is my monkey

i’m chasing the beats on the streets hanging our in the finest suites

handing out nothing but defeat for the elite.

Nothing but the beatz 8/15/09

Hella ironic how life is.  When I stop tripping on stuff….stuff that happens stops trippin me out.  I’m getting better today.  I picked up a truck load of my belongings this morning, reacquainted myself with stuff I haven’t seen in a few months, and integrated some into my new space.  It’s a beautiful day in the O. and I saw it this morning and now I’m somewhere else, thinking somewhere else thoughts.

Somewhere else thoughts are thoughts that happen when I have taken myself somewhere else.  I’m thinking thoughts of the moon, the sun, the water, base thoughts.  The beauty of the day and me enjoying it.

I’m on a beat chase this rest of this weekend.  I have two CD carriers and my IPOD and my laptop.  Somewhere within this musical canopy there should be a new beat for me.  I’m sure of it.  When I find it….Imma make love to it…..talk to it……chill and rewind with it.  We gonna make some babies…….beatz r for free…..enjoyment…..nothing but the beat.

We’ll start with Ohmega Watts, Little Brother, Jedi Mind Tricks, OuterSpace, Big L., Street Reporters, Bay Area Bosses and more……gotta be a beat here somewhere …. righ??? 

Peace ya’ll.

8/13/09

Not until tonight have I listened to my beloved hip-hop.  A sign of my depression is going through the motions.  Walking/talking/working/laughing, etc.  There is no living …… for a minute there is only breath.  Yea breathing in and out.  Today after one last gasp….I turned to hip-hop and there, found once again my solace.  I’m thinking a night at the Russian River will do my spirit good.  Some quiet except for my laptop with my music on it.  Some time for re-grouping and all dat.

I’m on a beat hunt…..something here tangible that still will take me awayyyyyy.  I may find it this weekend.